Log in

No account? Create an account
25 February 2005 @ 04:51 pm
What to do with the sparkly thing?  
I have avoided talking about certain subjects and events lately in an attempt to reduce pain. Not my own pain, but pain inflicted on others. However, censoring myself in my own diary is bad, as this is meant to be a record of my life, and cannot be if I purposely omit events.

Monday was an extraordinarily difficult day. I spent a lot of it in tears. It was the final day when the end became real and definite, and Sailor and I officially, finally parted ways. He came up to say goodbye. He brought me a copy of Adobe Illustrator I'd asked him to get from his stepdad (who works for Adobe) which I won't be able to use until I upgrade my computer. I gave him a check for almost all the money I have.
I had to buy a ring, you see.
Last year, Sailor proposed to me. He made himself poor for months to buy the engagement ring, which sat in a drawer in my bedroom, collecting dust. If I gave it back to him, he would keep it, hoarding it like Gollum, which would not be useful to him. School is expensive, and what Sailor needs now is not a diamond, but money. (Especially as his financial aid didn't go through.) Since he wouldn't sell or pawn the ring on his own, I made him sell it to me.
It seemed the right thing to do, although afterwards I wished I hadn't because I wanted the money back. I still think it was the right thing to do.

I don't know what I'll do with this ring. I never got it sized, so it's too big for my ring fingers, although it fits my middle finger well enough. Flash a diamond when you flip the bird!
If Sailor and I ever get back together - who knows, we might, stranger things have happened - I suppose the ring will be useful then.
Perhaps I should put it on a chain and wear it 'round my neck to remind me of my selfishness, which in the end is what led to the end of a relationship of two years.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Narrator: sadaswirlymatrix on February 26th, 2005 01:33 am (UTC)
I'm sorry. =\
kerokerotab on February 26th, 2005 03:48 am (UTC)
i r sorry sweetie. :-( :::hugs:::
~ * flurr sprite * ~nkicroft on February 26th, 2005 06:28 am (UTC)
:( i heart you leelee!

i censor my own journal...but i've never really been an expressive person anyway...and if i feel the extreme need to post something, i make it private :T
mutantstar on February 26th, 2005 09:53 am (UTC)
Good thinking about the ring, methinks. Goodbyes are so hard when you still care about somebody but the relationship didn't work out the way it was supposed to. I'm sorry.
The Abominable Chaxmiyu_sakura on February 26th, 2005 09:11 pm (UTC)
This is a pretty amazing entry, especially since I can tell there is trauma beneath the surface. It's the kind of entry that want to write whenever something happens that I find painful.

It's a very brave entry that faces the facts, and I think you're amazing for writing it. Telling yourself and others the truth is painful... but I think you've made a definite step by writing this.

Paul Linh Nguyenanimekid on February 26th, 2005 09:27 pm (UTC)
Parting ways are never easy...especially when there are many memories that acommpanied who/what/etc that you are parting...

As cliché as it sounds...the future holds many possibilities...
So sure there is the brief moment you will have to acknowledge what has become. But you must not forget to acknowledge that it also has come to pass.

Only then will you be able to look forward and see the future...
The future which holds many possibilities.

Seems like you're on that track already so that's good...
But just wanted to toss this in to reassure you that...you're on the right track and you shouldn't be bashing yourself ^^;
Jasondelirium19 on February 28th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
wow thats a toughy...Wells theres always hope for the future, until theres not. Unless you decide to do something else with it, keep it, things like that are good to keep and find years later. They help you remember parts of your life you might have forgotten and damn well shouldnt.
If you wear it around your neck to remind you of your selfishness, it is rather selfish, at least if sailor sees it cuz i guarantee he will misinterpit that.
Im glad you decided to go back to writing the way you used to, I find that after a while public journal entries lose touch with the writers emotions and then, for us and you, its like reading a bad weather report. Kinda defeats the point of a diary since its supposed to be for you, not us.
better make sure he cashes the check lol