May 12th, 2001


Breathe in, breathe out.

I missed Aunt Margaret's funeral.
I spent most of this morning meditating. It's what I do to grieve, to celebrate, to express any sort of emotion at all. Breathe in, breathe out. Feel God's energy and strength flow in, pour out Satan's poisons and sins. Start at the core, and work my out, cleansing and purging and purifying. It works so very well - if you're stressing out, you should try it.

But anyway, I missed the funeral, which made both my parents mad at me, I think. I guess they thought I didn't care that Margaret was dead. I did. It hurt. But I was scared. Scared to see her body lowered into the ground. I didn't think I could handle that. So I chickened out, turned about, hid and stayed away. Locked myself into my room, closed my eyes, and drove myself away. Breathe in, breathe out. Refused to go, I wouldn't show, I turned about and wouldn't go out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I didn't want to be there, with all the other mourners, weeping, crying, spilling pearl teardrops on the casket wherein she lay. Margaret would want to be remembered, but she wouldn't want to drown in our sorrows.

I don't think she minds that I did not go.

Breathe in, breathe out.
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