January 22nd, 2003


99 Luftballoons

So I have a boyfriend now. It is weird. I don't know for sure that I like it or not.
On the one hand, it is _nice_ having someone who thinks I'm one of the greatest things in his life. It is nice having someone willing to do ridiculously stupid things, like sit still for an hour so I can do his nails and draw on his hands with pens and highlighters. And having a warm body around all the time is pretty fun, too.
But that's all it is. *Fun.* It's like playing a board game. Yes, it's fun, and yes, I enjoy it, but I don't need it to be happy. It's a fun little diversion, but it isn't something irreplaceable. To him it is something major and special and worth riding home alone, on the bus, for two and a half hours in the dark, to spend an extra half hour with me. To me it's not really worth giving up my lunch time to watch him wrestle. ^^; See what I mean? It's unbalanced.
The onesidedness of the relationship is a problem. He'll say something and I'll smile but it's obvious I don't quite agree or know what he's talking about. Or - this is kind've embarrassing to talk about, but hell - he's kissed me a couple of times, and my reaction's always just bleah. It's not nice, but I don't hate it. It's just something to do. But when he asked me if I liked it, I kind've had trouble telling him that. "Uhm...I don't *dislike* it...^^;" He went along with it fine, but it probably still stung a little. I think I'd be hurt if it was the other way around.
It's funny because I guess I'm controlling the relationship. It's weird - like I have any hell idea how to do that. But what's important is that he's happy and having fun, because I really can't stand him much when he's gloomy.
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