June 11th, 2003


engine stalled out

I woke up Tuesday and just felt shattered to bits. Do you have days when you can't function? It was one of those. I felt like I was walking across the bottom of the ocean, with currents in the air pushing against me in waves. I went to work where menial tasks that I can auto-perform occupied my time. After nine months, it no longer takes any active brain power of mine to assist customers, dish out danishes, or fold boxes. Internally I wasn't processing properly; everything seemed far away and distant, and conversations (mostly negative) repeated over and over again. Luckily, my boss just chalks it up to exhaustion; he knew about my busy weekend.

When I got home it was steadily worse. I couldn't sleep because I was terrified that if I did, I'd wake up and find someone on top of me or next to me, with their fingers around my neck or worse. I have no idea where the idea came from; but there it was, replaying again and again. Kitty called and reminded me to go to school; talking to her made me feel normal again so I showered and got ready to go.

I went out to get gas. I needed it to get to school. It was a disaster. I couldn't figure out how to use the ATM, I couldn't pump gas properly, and my hands were shaking terribly. I finally got the gas to pump smoothly instead of stopping and starting in jarring spurts, but tried to put too much in the tank and spilled it everywhere. (Luckily it didn't splash on me.) I got my change and climbed back in the car, and for a minute simply could not recall how to start the vehicle. Then it dawned on me and I drove home.

Once home, I threw my keys on a table and sat down on the stairs. I stuck my cell phone in my purse and hid it as far from myself as possible, so I wouldn't hear it ring when Kitty or Bandaid inevitably called to find out where I was. I went up to my room and tried to read, but the words didn't make sense.

I decided I was acting childish and decided to go to school; I figured I could get to class within a decent frame of time if I tried. I might be a half hour late, but it's better than missing it completely. I couldn't find my car keys. Anywhere. I searched every tabletop and counter and surface for them, but couldn't find them anywhere. For a good half-hour I looked, 'til finally I just gave up and went upstairs again..
Finally I was able to drift off to sleep.

My mom came home around five and made hamburgers. The sound of frying oil woke me up, so I washed my face and ate and felt a bit better. In the mail my Clean Habit Soap order came, so I tested out the lotion. It works really well; it made my skin feel as soft as post-smoothie at Bath and Body Works. I wanted to take a bath – it sounded like such a nice idea – but couldn't because the only working tub is in my mom's bedroom, and when she's home I don't go in there.

I found my keys. They slid behind the table I'd thrown them on – technically, I guess it's a chest of drawers – and were crammed between the stairwell and the back of the wood. I had to move the furniture to retrieve my keys.

Later, I dug out my cell phone and listened to my voice mails. They made me start crying, I'm not quite sure why. I think it was just the sound of familiar voices, but not having the familiar person there, which is very frustrating sometimes. Sailor called, and I did my best to sound pepfully normal. He was feeling all freaked out by whatever away message I had up that evening. Ha. I don't even know which one it was.

I couldn't sleep. Bandaid text messaged me around eleven, and we went back and forth for an hour or so. She's distraught over bois and I was completely collapsing. I really wanted to talk to somebody, but all the right people were unavailable. It was frustrating as hell, and my eyes were a little leaky as a result.

Kurokami no chisuji no kami no midaregami katsu omoimidare omoimidaruru
  • Current Music
    "daysleeper" by REM

It's a bitch to be nice, but it's nice to be a bitch.

Yume: Flowers blooming on a grave; people come and kick them. Petals fly everywhere, making messes in the air and in the pond and in the grass.

Today was much better. I didn't accomplish much, which is bad, because I'm quite behind on many things and really need to catch up. It's gotten to be a permanent thing, this state of catching-up. Some days I would quite like to light a fire to it all and burn it away. Other days I'd just like to drift away on a cloud and let someone else clean up after me.

Tomorrow my portfolio is due in art; it is, at best, half-completed. I'm torn between trying to finish it tonight, pulling an all-nighter, and waking up early tomorrow morning and doing as much as possible before school. In the past I've had little success with either choice. But I can't sleep at all, and I'm a bit scared of the dark tonight. Which I suppose is why I've been playing on Livejournal instead of working...

I've come to associate my name with negative things. Whenever he says it, it is an exasperated exclamation, a suffix to a point that I'm too foolish or too pathetic to comprehend properly. I even cringe when my name passes between those lips because I think I'm being scolded or yelled at. It is not pleasant to hear my name, twisted as it has become, but with no other title I don't know what my identity is in those eyes...perhaps in those eyes, I am unseen and no longer exist outside the physical shell of the stupid girl who can't do anything right.

Does anyone know where I can find the German "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco? I am dying to find this song...but no luck thus far, save for crappy remixes and an atrocious American version.
  • Current Music
    "rock me amadeus" by falco, "american version"