February 25th, 2005

k00kaburra.

What to do with the sparkly thing?

I have avoided talking about certain subjects and events lately in an attempt to reduce pain. Not my own pain, but pain inflicted on others. However, censoring myself in my own diary is bad, as this is meant to be a record of my life, and cannot be if I purposely omit events.

Monday was an extraordinarily difficult day. I spent a lot of it in tears. It was the final day when the end became real and definite, and Sailor and I officially, finally parted ways. He came up to say goodbye. He brought me a copy of Adobe Illustrator I'd asked him to get from his stepdad (who works for Adobe) which I won't be able to use until I upgrade my computer. I gave him a check for almost all the money I have.
I had to buy a ring, you see.
Last year, Sailor proposed to me. He made himself poor for months to buy the engagement ring, which sat in a drawer in my bedroom, collecting dust. If I gave it back to him, he would keep it, hoarding it like Gollum, which would not be useful to him. School is expensive, and what Sailor needs now is not a diamond, but money. (Especially as his financial aid didn't go through.) Since he wouldn't sell or pawn the ring on his own, I made him sell it to me.
It seemed the right thing to do, although afterwards I wished I hadn't because I wanted the money back. I still think it was the right thing to do.

I don't know what I'll do with this ring. I never got it sized, so it's too big for my ring fingers, although it fits my middle finger well enough. Flash a diamond when you flip the bird!
If Sailor and I ever get back together - who knows, we might, stranger things have happened - I suppose the ring will be useful then.
Perhaps I should put it on a chain and wear it 'round my neck to remind me of my selfishness, which in the end is what led to the end of a relationship of two years.
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