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21 March 2003 @ 12:18 pm
I think...it broke?  
Yume: Smash smash smash. Thunder and lightning crash. The air's so thick one must swim through it, but it's tiresome so I'm drowning. I see a life preserver floating in the air before me, but it's just beyond my reach. Everything hurts - I can't breath, and the flashing bolts of light make painful afterimages so that I can't see anymore, just colors that don't make sense everywhere. Dizzy dizzy dizzy.
As always, Johji worries me.
Johji: Hello?
Samchan: Hello!
Samchan: Sup?
Samchan: What'd you do today?
Johji: I got hurt and cut several times, drove to McDonalds for food and seriously pissed off. And you?
I swear, he does it just for the attention! Honestly, tho', I'm scared. He passed out the other day at school...it got to the point where they called paramedics, and Carl said they had him in a wheelchair. Johji really needs to see a doctor, but he refuses. I think it gives me a headache...

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new...if you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you. I'll be waiting time after time.

Kitty was bored today, so we ended up talking for a while. We don't know what to do about Bandaid, who has two boyfriends, a Marine and a SFSU student. SFSU doesn't know about the Marine, which constitutes that relationship as cheating. Kitty and I feel that we can't sit idley by and do nothing when someone cheats on their boyfriend. Were it anyone else, we'd have tattled long ago. But because it's Bandaid - my lezzy lover, y'know - we hesitate. It feels wrong. To ask us to say nothing is to ask us to participate in a lie, or at the very least, a half-truth. But to tell SFSU would be a betrayal of Bandaid.
So here's what we've done. We're giving her until Wednesday to tell him herself. After that...sorry. The lock upon the lips is undone, and a phone call will be made. I don't want to betray Bandaid. Kitty doesn't, either. We know it'll make a mess of this friendship. But I feel like saying nothing compromises my integrity, and it isn't fair to her boy.
On another day, would it be this way? I just ask myself, "If I was dreaming, you'd see me. I'd be understood." But I'm just drowning, going under, wishing you'd say we could. But if you just walk on by...I'm only dreaming.
It's been a bit confusing this week. The war started, so I worry about that. On Sunday a phone pervert called work, and when I informed him that the girl he wished to speak to no longer worked at Sunrise, he told me about his room mate spying on him while he was masturbating for the past few weeks because I sounded just like his friend. (Why didn't I just hang up? Well, work was boring, and it was semi-entertaining.) When I got home, Dan asked me to go a date with him, and despite my subtle hints he didn't seem to get the point.
"But you're off-limits. A friend likes you and I wouldn't get between she and you. I'm not really attracted to sarcastic artist-types. I see you as a friend. I have a boyfriend."
Boyfriend wasn't helping much on Wednesday, when he brought his own issues up and made me face them. I mean, honestly now - if I've told you how I'll react and you know it isn't what you want - and you know that you'll be hurt and/or sad - why bother to still force it through? Whatever...sometimes, I wonder, why bother at all? But then he'll do something that makes me smile and think, Yeah, that's why. :) Although, as Seanie pointed out earlier today,
Sammie, no matter how you dress him and try to change it, the fact is he's still a boy.
Well, duh. I didn't totally sleep through anatomy, y'know?
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: "dreaming" by aurora uk