I have long been fond of you for basic clothing. They're generally cute and let's face it, you've got one of the best brand names out there. But we simply must have a discussion about the fit of your pants lately. Once upon a time, your jeans were adorable! All the cool kids wore you. I envied them! It was a good system.
Recently, I have been given a pair of brand-new black FCUK jeans from Jeannie, which had been passed around amongst her friends searching for an ass that fit. The pants were consistently too small, too tight, too unbearable. Eventually the pants came to me, because Jeannie is the smallest person in her peer group and I seem to be the smallest person she knows outside that circle.
But the pants don't fit me either! I mean, I can wear them. The waist is a little loose, but I can live with that. They aren't falling down or so tight I can't walk. Around the hips, they could even be deemed a perfect match.
BUT BUT BUT apparently I would have to be THUNDERTHIGHS to wear these jeans properly, because they are far too large from the inseam to my knees. I could smuggle loaves of bread in there! Yet from the knees down they're an excellent fit.
What was your patternmaker smoking the day she drafted these up? Has your fit model been spending copious amounts of time in front of the television and 'junked up her trunk?' This is ridiculous, FCUK. I expected better of you!
I am suspending our business relationship to give you a chance to find the problem and replace the responsible persons. I hope you get on this fast, because I'm needing a new wardrobe for work and all but also, really, because you should know better.
P.S. Why would you sell out of the love dress already? Send some more to Valley Fair, ASAP!