Suzi (k00kaburra) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

where it stops nobody knows

don’t you hate it when for some silly stupid reason you’re obsessing over something and you don’t want to anymore? nevermind that the obsession itself is not unpleasant but would be in fact quite wonderful if it didn’t haunt every minute of every day. even the brightest colors are dull when viewed day after day, moment every moment.
so you say to this obsession go away and it agrees. you push it from your mind and out your ears and onto the sidewalk and you squash it with the heel of your boot. then thinking you are free you proceed to have a normal life.

but of course the obsession hasn’t really gone away; it grows back just as quickly inside your subconscious and just waits for a chance to escape its little prison into the rest of your mind.

one night while you are sleeping you are pleasantly dreaming and suddenly the obsession finds this hole in your defenses and leaps into your conscious mind and prances in your dream, ha-ha. it spins and pirouettes and makes sure you've taken notice before burrowing deeply into your brain again.

and you wake up and you shake your head and the dream is still fresh and clinging as you wipe the sleep from your eyes. you look at the posters on your wall or in a mirror and the dream and your obsession laugh at you, ha-ha, free again and just as potent as when you tried to cast it out.

you run in this cycle again and again, throwing away and dreaming and drowning in your obsession that you only want to be rid of but since its bonded to you you’re going to be stuck with it forever.

i. just. hate. it. if it were a superficial obsession like yoshiki or plushenko or tare panda or ufo catchers or even chocolate it wouldn’t be so bad. but it’s it sits right there inside my brain going ‘round and ‘round and ‘round again and i try to be rid of it and then it comes right back even thought it wasn’t called. the obsession is triggered by the smallest things so i try to avoid them and what happens then is i can’t do anything or the obsession comes back and i’m running and i’m running but there it is again, clinging to my hair, pulling so i’ll accept it back inside once more.

  • Stress, illness, or ennui?

    Living under shelter in place for two months has led to a general malaise in our household. Every couple days I feel a little off, with a headache or…

  • The unexpected winner of the season

    At our bookstore, the one thing that everyone seems to be looking for isn't a new novel, or workbooks for their kids. While those things are in…

  • Left an important part of the day out...

    When I was listing my daily routine in my last post, I missed something important. The first thing that I do every day when I get home from work is…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.