I am NOT the police. I cannot enter a resident's home because you think he's passed out in an upper room; while I can call the police and/or the hospital, the time it takes for you (the resident) to call me, tell me the situation, and have me investigate the house you could have have called the emergency number yourself and help would ALREADY BE THERE.
I am NOT traffic control. I did not issue the citation you received when you left your car in the driveway, which is against the complex's rules. I also did not make the rules. I probably processed the citation and sent you the notification letter about it, but that's just paperwork. I can't waive your fine or let you "skip" the steps of the appeal process. I will not make a special exception just for you.
(This also goes for expired 'temporary' parking permits. You only get one, valid up to ninety days; after that you can't have another one. That's why it's called temporary. You're the fool who decided to move into a complex with such rules while owning too many cars; you can figure out what to do next.)
I am NOT a gardener or a member of the property maintenance staff. I can't unclog your drain, fix a leaking sprinkler head or mix paint colors for your home's exterior. You can fill out a request form like everyone else and the maintenance staff will take care of it when they return to their office. I am not going to call them for you unless your house is flooded or your roof has collapsed completely because it is their day off and Heaven knows, they deserve their weekends!
I'm still NOT traffic control. I can't walk up to your neighbor's car and give him a citation because he parked in a spot that inconvenienced you.
I am NOT animal control. I'm sorry that baby ducklings are in your swimming pool, but I'm not fishing them out for you. Do it yourself! (Seriously, I don't know if a former Clubhouse Assistant did this or what but I've been getting this request a lot lately.) I also can't do a thing about your neighbor's barking dogs. Well, that's not true. I can call their phone number and try to tell them to shut the dogs up. But let's be realistic, people. If the owners are home, the dogs probably wouldn't be barking.
I am NOT psychic. If you can't tell me where the problem is, like the name or address of the person you're complaining about, my ability to do something is zilch. If you're too cowardly to identify yourself, or too vague, I also can't help you all that much.
Real complaint earlier this week:
Resident: "My neighbor's dogs are barking all the time and it's really obnoxious and against the rules."
Me: "Well, I can try to call them. What is the name of the owner?"
R: "Oh, I don't know."
M: "Do you know the address?"
R: "Well, it's on AV Street." (AV has at least seventy homes on it.)
M: "Can you be more specific?"
M: "What is your address? I can try calling your neighbors and seeing if they know where the dogs are."
R: "I don't want anyone to know I'm calling."
M: "I wouldn't use your name, it'd be totally anonymous."
R: "Just do something about it!"
M: "I will be sure to file your report, ma'am."
R: *hangs up*
Again, Clubhouse Assistant. I make sure kids don't drown in the swimming pool, people using the kitchen don't burn the building down, and tennis players don't leave scuff marks on the court pavements. What happens out of the Clubhouse area ain't really my business.