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18 August 2011 @ 12:05 pm
Movie: Beastly  
Beastly

Kyle is the smokin' hot King of his high school. Why? Because he's really, really good-looking. Well, OK, he's also rich. That helps. But he's also the bitchiest, meanest asshole in the history of teenagers. After he plays a cruel trick on a gothic Olsen twin classmate, she curses him with ugliness that will only be removed if he can get someone to fall in love with him. Good luck, Kyle. You're gonna need it.

Man, what a ridiculous movie. I didn't exactly expect this retelling of Beauty and the Beast to be great, of course. Just look at the movie's promotional art:

Oh look, his eyebrow says "embrace" - real subtle, movie.


Apparently, ugliness is tattoos on your face and staples on your nose. Oh, and no hair. In some ways, this works better than the traditional furry chimera creature used to create the Beast, since the fursuits almost always end up looking cheesy. (I suppose with computer tomfoolery they can now make a decent Beast, though.) I mean, I can see how a teenage golden boy would freak out when his face suddenly looked like it belonged on the Illustrated Man of a circus freak show. And as much as we all want to believe Beauty would fall for a monster, it's a lot easier on her if he at least looks like a man, because then she doesn't have to worry about all those freaky beastiality issues. But that doesn't change the fact that tattoos and staples look silly.

One of the Olsen twins plays Kendra, the witch/fairy who initiates Kyle's rehabilitation into Decent Human Being. Whenever she came on the screen, though, I could only think one of two things:
1/ Wow, that pasty, caked-on makeup looks AWFUL
2/ Isn't she a little old to be in high school? She sure looks like it.
Really bad. The other minor supporting characters were OK. Neil Patrick Harris was the best thing about the movie, of course. (When is he never not?) He just does so well with quirky, strange characters. But he's only in a few minutes of the movie, and the rest of it draaaaaaags. I don't even remember the leading lady's name - character or actress - because she was oh-so-very bland and forgettable.

But it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  It was certainly better than that Red Riding Hood movie that came out around the same time.  But maybe we need to stop reinventing fairy tales ala Twilight - it just seems like a bad idea.