So back on New Year's Day I saw the movie Immortals with Jeannie, Bryan and Seanie. I won't pretend I had any sort of high expectations for it, beyond some awesome costumes and an epic story based on Greek mythology. Oh, and Henry Cavill hotness, because DUDE THAT GUY IS GOOD-LOOKING.
So Theseus, son of a peasant, has been secretly trained by the god Zeus his entire life – so he's basically the ultimate warrior. When King Hyperion threatens to unleash the Titans upon humanity and the gods, Theseus is chosen to stop him. However, the gods can't help him directly, never mind that Zeus is the one who taught him to fight and kill and whatnot. So Theseus must find the Epirus Bow, which is important for some reason, with the help of the virgin Oracle and a motley crew of ex-priests, thieves and....I don't know, they were killed off almost immediately anyway!
Pretty much the only thing that saves this movie is the fact that Henry Cavill is so freakin' hot...especially when he's running around without a shirt for nearly the entire movie. I mean, the story's not terrible, although it butchers mythology something awful, but the movie is full of problems:
Why does Zeus interfere with Theseus for years, but kill Ares with a fiery whip (WHAAAAAAT I KNOW JACKED UP!!!) when the war god prevents Theseus from being killed? I mean, Zeus tries to explain it away with some bullshit about how it was OK when HE did it because HE was disguised as a regular human. WHATEVER.
Why were the Titans basically weird Aborigines? That could be construed as racist, no? The beautiful, virtuous WHITE Olympian gods must defeat the ugly, primitive COLORED Titans? Does no one else feel bothered?
Athena's costume is so disappointing. It's like something that Wonder Woman rejected as too flashy and Halloween-costumey.
In the story, it is claimed that Ares forged the Epirus Bow. What, no Hephaestus?
Now, I know that Henry Cavill can act, because he did a brilliant job on The Tudors. In this movie, though, it's like he's been replaced with a zombie version of himself. Rock hard abs can't quite excuse the fact that every line is delivered poorly.
Phaedra, the Oracle, sucked. She was so bland and forgettable that I nearly forgot about her, until I realized that there was a sex scene at one point, and you can't have one of those without a lady friend.
The reduced Olympic cast was disappointing. No Hera, no Aphrodite, no Hades...NO FUN!
And I could go on. And on. And on.
I mean, the movie looks great, for the most part. I love the gravity-defying, abstracted headdresses worn by Poseidon and Ares. I liked that Zeus was younger-looking than his usual portrayal – it makes it easier to believe all those seduction stories, no?
But check out those abs and those arms and those amazing shoulders: