Suzi (k00kaburra) wrote,

Small mental breakdown today.

From the moment I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day.

It shouldn't have been. It was my first day off with no plans that I could remember. In theory, I was free to do whatever I wanted.

Except, of course, I wasn't.

The bugs are everywhere, and we need to get rid of them. Unfortunately, when we started stripping off the old contact paper in the kitchen cabinets, the glue used to attach it combined with the wood's smell to create an awful stench that nearly made me physically sick. It was awful and overpowering, and I can't even describe how so. It just smelled like old chemicals gone off. Add in the strong artificial orange smell in the soap Seanie used to clean the shelves and clear the moths' eggs, and it was overwhelming.

To make matters worse, we have emptied the kitchen for this project and dishes, cooking utensils, rags, and miscellaneous tools are piled on every available surface, including the table and the the floor. I can't find anything, and wherever I look I see a mess. It's so distracting that I feel like my mind's going to pieces and getting lost amongst the clutter, and I can't pull everything back together.

So it was going to be a bad day no matter what.

When I get into one of my funky bad moods, I don't like to be around people. So when Brother-in-Law sent a text announcing that he'd be having a BBQ that afternoon when he'd previously been planning to spend the day, at the Renn Fair with Other Brother-in-Law and his family, it was just one more thing. By mid-morning, I was working myself up into panic mode because of my anxiety over the noise that would come with the BBQ party, the bugs, the disorder in the house, and so on. The fact that I was so nervous and twitchy, naturally, made me feel even more anxious, and it was a vicious cycle of escalating craziness.

Luckily, Seanie was working so he [hopefully] didn't notice much. I did my best to study and act normal but it was rather pathetic. Thankfully I don't get these small attacks of craziness very often, but today was bad.
Tags: antisocial, panic

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