Suzi (k00kaburra) wrote,

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engine stalled out

I woke up Tuesday and just felt shattered to bits. Do you have days when you can't function? It was one of those. I felt like I was walking across the bottom of the ocean, with currents in the air pushing against me in waves. I went to work where menial tasks that I can auto-perform occupied my time. After nine months, it no longer takes any active brain power of mine to assist customers, dish out danishes, or fold boxes. Internally I wasn't processing properly; everything seemed far away and distant, and conversations (mostly negative) repeated over and over again. Luckily, my boss just chalks it up to exhaustion; he knew about my busy weekend.

When I got home it was steadily worse. I couldn't sleep because I was terrified that if I did, I'd wake up and find someone on top of me or next to me, with their fingers around my neck or worse. I have no idea where the idea came from; but there it was, replaying again and again. Kitty called and reminded me to go to school; talking to her made me feel normal again so I showered and got ready to go.

I went out to get gas. I needed it to get to school. It was a disaster. I couldn't figure out how to use the ATM, I couldn't pump gas properly, and my hands were shaking terribly. I finally got the gas to pump smoothly instead of stopping and starting in jarring spurts, but tried to put too much in the tank and spilled it everywhere. (Luckily it didn't splash on me.) I got my change and climbed back in the car, and for a minute simply could not recall how to start the vehicle. Then it dawned on me and I drove home.

Once home, I threw my keys on a table and sat down on the stairs. I stuck my cell phone in my purse and hid it as far from myself as possible, so I wouldn't hear it ring when Kitty or Bandaid inevitably called to find out where I was. I went up to my room and tried to read, but the words didn't make sense.

I decided I was acting childish and decided to go to school; I figured I could get to class within a decent frame of time if I tried. I might be a half hour late, but it's better than missing it completely. I couldn't find my car keys. Anywhere. I searched every tabletop and counter and surface for them, but couldn't find them anywhere. For a good half-hour I looked, 'til finally I just gave up and went upstairs again..
Finally I was able to drift off to sleep.

My mom came home around five and made hamburgers. The sound of frying oil woke me up, so I washed my face and ate and felt a bit better. In the mail my Clean Habit Soap order came, so I tested out the lotion. It works really well; it made my skin feel as soft as post-smoothie at Bath and Body Works. I wanted to take a bath – it sounded like such a nice idea – but couldn't because the only working tub is in my mom's bedroom, and when she's home I don't go in there.

I found my keys. They slid behind the table I'd thrown them on – technically, I guess it's a chest of drawers – and were crammed between the stairwell and the back of the wood. I had to move the furniture to retrieve my keys.

Later, I dug out my cell phone and listened to my voice mails. They made me start crying, I'm not quite sure why. I think it was just the sound of familiar voices, but not having the familiar person there, which is very frustrating sometimes. Sailor called, and I did my best to sound pepfully normal. He was feeling all freaked out by whatever away message I had up that evening. Ha. I don't even know which one it was.

I couldn't sleep. Bandaid text messaged me around eleven, and we went back and forth for an hour or so. She's distraught over bois and I was completely collapsing. I really wanted to talk to somebody, but all the right people were unavailable. It was frustrating as hell, and my eyes were a little leaky as a result.

Kurokami no chisuji no kami no midaregami katsu omoimidare omoimidaruru

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