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11 June 2003 @ 01:30 pm
engine stalled out  
I woke up Tuesday and just felt shattered to bits. Do you have days when you can't function? It was one of those. I felt like I was walking across the bottom of the ocean, with currents in the air pushing against me in waves. I went to work where menial tasks that I can auto-perform occupied my time. After nine months, it no longer takes any active brain power of mine to assist customers, dish out danishes, or fold boxes. Internally I wasn't processing properly; everything seemed far away and distant, and conversations (mostly negative) repeated over and over again. Luckily, my boss just chalks it up to exhaustion; he knew about my busy weekend.

When I got home it was steadily worse. I couldn't sleep because I was terrified that if I did, I'd wake up and find someone on top of me or next to me, with their fingers around my neck or worse. I have no idea where the idea came from; but there it was, replaying again and again. Kitty called and reminded me to go to school; talking to her made me feel normal again so I showered and got ready to go.

I went out to get gas. I needed it to get to school. It was a disaster. I couldn't figure out how to use the ATM, I couldn't pump gas properly, and my hands were shaking terribly. I finally got the gas to pump smoothly instead of stopping and starting in jarring spurts, but tried to put too much in the tank and spilled it everywhere. (Luckily it didn't splash on me.) I got my change and climbed back in the car, and for a minute simply could not recall how to start the vehicle. Then it dawned on me and I drove home.

Once home, I threw my keys on a table and sat down on the stairs. I stuck my cell phone in my purse and hid it as far from myself as possible, so I wouldn't hear it ring when Kitty or Bandaid inevitably called to find out where I was. I went up to my room and tried to read, but the words didn't make sense.

I decided I was acting childish and decided to go to school; I figured I could get to class within a decent frame of time if I tried. I might be a half hour late, but it's better than missing it completely. I couldn't find my car keys. Anywhere. I searched every tabletop and counter and surface for them, but couldn't find them anywhere. For a good half-hour I looked, 'til finally I just gave up and went upstairs again..
Finally I was able to drift off to sleep.

My mom came home around five and made hamburgers. The sound of frying oil woke me up, so I washed my face and ate and felt a bit better. In the mail my Clean Habit Soap order came, so I tested out the lotion. It works really well; it made my skin feel as soft as post-smoothie at Bath and Body Works. I wanted to take a bath – it sounded like such a nice idea – but couldn't because the only working tub is in my mom's bedroom, and when she's home I don't go in there.

I found my keys. They slid behind the table I'd thrown them on – technically, I guess it's a chest of drawers – and were crammed between the stairwell and the back of the wood. I had to move the furniture to retrieve my keys.

Later, I dug out my cell phone and listened to my voice mails. They made me start crying, I'm not quite sure why. I think it was just the sound of familiar voices, but not having the familiar person there, which is very frustrating sometimes. Sailor called, and I did my best to sound pepfully normal. He was feeling all freaked out by whatever away message I had up that evening. Ha. I don't even know which one it was.

I couldn't sleep. Bandaid text messaged me around eleven, and we went back and forth for an hour or so. She's distraught over bois and I was completely collapsing. I really wanted to talk to somebody, but all the right people were unavailable. It was frustrating as hell, and my eyes were a little leaky as a result.

Kurokami no chisuji no kami no midaregami katsu omoimidare omoimidaruru
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Current Music: "daysleeper" by REM
Pixlepixle on June 11th, 2003 02:12 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Yeah I've had some of those days, but never as horrible as this one seems. ;___; I hope you feel better now. Just writting it takes loads off your chest doesn't it?
Suzi: genkik00kaburra on June 11th, 2003 08:57 pm (UTC)
Surprising, it did help. ^_^ It was pretty much just a one-day thing only, thank goodness. Today I felt normal and chipper. ^_^
brokenliich on June 11th, 2003 02:19 pm (UTC)
try a little bit of prayer, girl. ask that you won't be afraid of unseen things anymore. it may help.
i'll pray for you, too
Suzi: kewpiek00kaburra on June 11th, 2003 08:56 pm (UTC)
Good idea...and thanks. That means a lot. ^_^
A Chimp In Your Kumquat Treelaotahn on June 11th, 2003 03:11 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you had such a crummy day! I hope you have a better day soon, don't worry about it so much. Tomorrow will be better. Just try to relax and sleep a bit.
redolence on June 11th, 2003 07:23 pm (UTC)
I miiiiis you. Days like that happen, and they suck cow dung.
Suzik00kaburra on June 11th, 2003 08:55 pm (UTC)
I miiiiisss you too. ^_^ But you'll be back soon*soon, and then we can play.
(Anonymous) on June 11th, 2003 11:34 pm (UTC)
From boi...
Oy. I'm really sorry all that happened, and wish I'd been there to help out.

Glad you're feeling better now...